That One Time a Cop Gave Neil Advice

Last week I was at a party downtown. My roommates and I are quite close to the host so we all agreed to help look after the house and guests so she could focus on having fun— a terrible idea considering who my roommates are. Two of my housies, Neil and Addie, had been joking around for months about how they were going to fight each other. Luckily for them, last week’s party finally brought their fantasy to life… right when the cops decided to show up and catch them red handed. A long line of misunderstandings and bad decisions later, it is needless to say the situation was a first for everyone.

I was at a house party downtown on Thursday night, along with my five roommates and seventy close, personal friends. Throughout the night, a lot of unusual party happenings ensued. We started out playing beer pong, but in my… altered state, I kept finding the balls on the floor and putting them in my pocket. Eventually there were none left to play with and my roommates began chasing me around the house. It had been weird, playing beer pong and not having our friend Neil (the beer pong champion) around so naturally when they began chasing me I began hunting Neil. 

After what felt like twenty minutes, but was probably three, I found my champion in the basement running Fight Club. Of course, I wanted to join in. I gave my friend three of my pong balls and he let me enter the fights. My roommates hadn’t thought to check downstairs so there was a lot of time for bad decisions to flood through me. One being the encouragement of Neil and Addie to fight each other like they’d been talking about for months. This was the perfect opportunity, gloves provided and no one to justify ourselves to.

It was their turn to fight right before me, so I decided to go upstairs to use the washroom quickly before I dropped gloves. As I was going up the too-narrow stairs, I could hear the party die down instantly. We all know what that means! Someone broke the hosts favourite late-night “me-time” toy… and cops knocked. I rushed downstairs to tell Neil and Addie that a moron let the police in, rather than just talking to them on the porch. Apparently there had been reports of fighting going on at the party… I have no idea why they’d think that.

After hurling myself down the stairs, I got to my friends right in time. They hid the gloves in the basement bedroom and barely got back to the central room as the cops stepped downstairs. The first officer asked if anyone had been fighting; there was a guy upstairs with a shirt covered in blood. We shook our heads and plead the fifth.

The second officer noticed Neil and Addie’s bright red faces, heavy breathing, and disheveled clothing standing in front of a secluded bedroom. He began laughing and followed with a sly never-mind, we will leave you to it shake of the head. Next thing I know, he reached into his pocket and tossed Neil a condom. I have never laughed so hard in my life. Neil’s face dropped and despite physics, Addie’s face became an even brighter shade of red. It definitely caught us all by surprise. No one anticipates a police interrupted fight club ending with flying Trojans. Not to mention how my pong-ball pockets had gone unnoticed. By the end of the night I had over nine white balls in my pants. 

As the officers made their way back upstairs I could hear the first one joking that you should always wrap it before you tap it, or you’ll end up like his cousin Jerry. I couldn’t help but wonder how long that officer had the condom in his pocket, just waiting for the right moment to donate it. “I’ve been waiting twenty years for this. Today’s the day, Tom. Protector of the streets… and the sheets.” 

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